Tuesday, November 22, 2005
Return to sport (but not to exercise)
I think I might be on the up. I had the most humungous weekend, and I'm actually feeling alright. Tired, but i'm not having difficulty concentrating, and I don't feel ready to collapse.
I managed to find a sport I can be involved in without actually exerting myself. Rowing. Well, sort of. I have become a coxwain with the crew a friend of mine rows with. I really enjoy it, and all I need to do is sit in the boat, steer, and give the guys instructions.
Last weekend, we had out second regatta together. So the five of us got on a bus on friday night with a bunch of ex-rowers from the club and made a boozy trek to Dimboola which is around 4 hours drive from Melbourne. We arrived, put up our tents and traipsed off to the local pub for a few more hours drinking. At around 7 the next morning the birds woke me, and the fluttering of tent in the wind started giving me motion sickness. I was not stoked when my coach bashed on the tent half an hour later to ask me to cox for the womens four. We managed to crash in the early stages of the race, but the rest of the regatta went well, with the guys winning their four race on both saturday and sunday.
The days were busy enough, with only a little time between races and plenty of running around organising to be done in that time. The nights were boozy and didn't involve a lot of sleep. On saturday night my coach decided I hadn't been drinking enough and kept buying me bucket-sized shots of butterscotch schnapps. By the time the homeward-bound bus left on sunday afternoon I was very tired. I slept very well on Sunday night.
Actually, come to think of it I slept very well on friday and saturday nights too. There might be a reason for that outside of tiredness, but that's another story. Anyway, I've now made it through a monday at work without any hassles, another rowing training session last night, and I'm halfway through tuesday and feeling a-ok! I'm very happy, and although I feel tired I feel strong. Usually I feel tired and weak. Maybe it's an increase in my confidence, or maybe my physical state is genuinely improving, either way, it's a good thing.
Posted by Ellie at 11:36 AM
Thursday, November 17, 2005
Iron
I went back to my doctor today. Fed up with my current state and by no means ready to resign myself to another several months of feeling like shit, I went to demand further tests. A few days ago I spoke to a friend who suffered from fatigue a couple of years ago. After months of battling with it and trying all sorts of things, she discovered she was gluten intolerant. She suggested I get tested for allergies that I might have recently acquired.
So... Off to the doctor who was overworked (at least she wasn't underpaid like the rest of us), and told her my symptoms. At present the list looks like this:
Constant tiredness, muscle pain and prolonged tiredness after exercise, interupted sleep patterns, forgetfulness (I have all my symptoms written down, because otherwise I forget them, haha), confusion and difficulty concentrating, vertigo, dermatitis, mouth ulcers.The forgetfullness and confusion are the ones that are worrying me most. I have a job for which my intelligence is all, so being dopey is highly frowned upon.
Anyway, the doctor thinks it's just that my iron levels won't have recovered to normal levels yet. She explained to me exactly how anemic I was when I was last tested in July. Noone had explained at the time that I was very anemic, and that it might take a long time for my iron levels to return to normal. She agreed to test me again, and to test for a range of other things. But not for allergies, she said it was very unlikely that allergies would be the cause of my ills. I'm still not so sure. I don't understand at all why I should be so terribly anemic. I didn't eat any red meat between the ages of 18 and 21 and never had a problem. Now I eat red meat, although not a lot of it, and my iron levels are ridiculously low. Curious to say the least.
Oh well, I will wait for my test results before taking further action. *sigh* I seem to spend all my life now waiting: to get better, to discover what's wrong with me, for a time when I can make commitments to friends, my job, activities... I don't want to put my life on hold.
Posted by Ellie at 9:53 AM
Thursday, November 10, 2005
Decisions - Making mountains from molehills
Decision-making is so much harder these days. I have always been indecisive, but now that I have to factor in an estimate of how tired or energetic I think I will be before I make decisions about any sort of commitment. The latest example is a friend M’s birthday drinks, scheduled for tomorrow evening. Usually I wouldn’t hesitate to commit, but he lives in Ballarat – about one and a half hours drive from Melbourne, probably more like two at peak hour on Friday.
I would love to go to Ballarat for M’s drinks, to see his new house, to go out in Ballarat for night and also because I have a number of other friends there who I haven’t seen for quite a while. But it’s Thursday afternoon and even though yesterday was my non-working day, I am feeling pretty flat. If the plans were for a Saturday gathering I would be more willing to go, but By firday afternoon I will probably not be up to a two hour drive and an evening of drinking. Quite frankly I am paranoid that I will get to Ballarat and be a nuisance to my friends by not wanting to go out with them because I am too tired. I think paranoid is the right word for it. I have had to decline or leave early from so many social events now that I have lost confidence in my ability to judge whether or not I will be energetic enough to enjoy myself and not be a drag to others.
To make matters worse, one of my housemates, JR, is also a friend of M’s. He’s quite keen to go to Ballarat, but has decided that he won’t go unless I do. That has just put even more pressure on me to go. Although I won’t be swayed by such pressure, because past mistakes have taught me to assess my energy levels and not to push beyond what I’m capable of, I dislike the feeling of having the weight of someone else’s decisions as well as my own sitting on my shoulders. Not to mention the fact that I don’t like being used as an excuse for someone else’s apathy. I guess I also find it frustrating that although JR is well enough to drive to Ballarat and back by himself, he chooses not to unless someone else is going also. Meanwhile I would give my left arm to be sure of being able to go, and if I were well enough, I would be there in a shot no matter whether someone else was going or not. So it’s a bit unfair of me to be cranky with JR for that reason, but it’s hard to avoid feeling some frustration at the situation.
Anyway, I have decided not to go. I haven’t called M yet, and I’m not looking forward to it, but he knows my situation and will be understanding I’m sure. I sent JR and irate email saying the following:
“Ok, well I still don't know if I will be ok to go, and I think tomorrow afternoon I will probably be too tired to want to make the trip, so I might just tell M that I can't make it.
You can tell him what you like, but don't use me as an excuse for not going.”
It probably sounds more harsh than I intended.
I feel sad that I have once again been thwarted (or thwarted myself) in my plans to visit friends in Ballarat. I will have to pick a weekend soon and go up for a day trip.
Posted by Ellie at 3:34 PM
Tuesday, November 08, 2005
Summary of progress (and regress) to date
Week 1: I don’t remember much. I know that I couldn’t read. I don’t think I watched any TV. I slept a lot.
Week 2: Tried to convince myself that I was getting better. Actually went to work on the Friday for a meeting. After being told by my boss, his boss and everyone else that I wasn’t well enough to be there, I went home. On the drive home I looked down my throat in the rear view mirror and was alarmed by my puffy red throat and white tonsils. Doctor gave me horrible antibiotics for tonsillitis that meant I was too nauseous to eat. Lose around 5 kilos.
Week 3: Tonsillitis didn’t clear and a blood test confirm glandular fever. Tonsilitis started to clear, but the feverishness didn’t. Couldn’t sleep normal hours, was hot and cold alternately. Lose a couple more kilos.
Week 4: Struggled back to work for a day or two. Got a laptop and worked from home a bit. Still sleeping lots, and at all the wrong hours. Getting muscle pain from any exercise or exertion.
Week 5-8: Sleep patterns still a mess. Appetite back, but eating strange things, like cheese and salami at 3am. Working on and off from home and work. Boyfriend leaves to travel the world for 1.5 to 2 years. I knew it was coming, but the timing couldn’t be worse.
Month 3: Working 4 days a week. Feeling a bit better. Still getting muscle pain both randomly and from any exercise/exertion. Wild mood swings, although mostly lowish. Go and see a doctor about my symptoms, only to be told not to worry, they’re normal.
Month 4: Still improving, haven’t shaken muscle pain but almost ready to go back to work fulltime. Decide to audition for commonwealth games ceremonies, so take up dance classes twice a week. Walk out of the first one after 20 minutes due to quads pretty much collapsing. Make it through class 2 and continue to improve. Feeling on the up. Audition for the game ceremonies.
Month 5: Crash, hard. Give up dance classes. Feeling very tired. Going through cycles of having enough energy and not having enough. At no point do I feel quite well enough to go back to dancing. Don’t feel well enough to go back to work fulltime, but think it’s only temporary. Mood is up and down with energy levels. Go and see a naturopath about my symptoms, try a range of herbal a diet-based treatments. Am offered and accept a place in the commonwealth games opening ceremony.
Month 6: As for month 5 except I’m beginning to realise it might be a fair while before I get back to work fulltime, and am worried even about meeting my games rehearsal commitments in January and February. Mood up and down all over the place. Diet changes don’t seem to have made a difference, although mostly I am coping better with my randomly fluctuating energy levels, or so I think until I get days when I am overwhelmed by it all. Take up coxing for a friends rowing squad as I figure it’s as close to exercise as I’m getting for a while. Lament my changed body-shape (have put weight back on, but in all the wrong places, and of course it’s all fat not muscle).
Posted by Ellie at 4:56 PM
What can you do but write about it?
Recently, while driving home from work, crying in my car, I decided I should keep a blog of all of this. “This” being the slightly messy, confusing, up and down life I am leading ever since I had glandular fever around five months ago. I can’t say that I lead a terribly interesting life, or that I have extraordinary views on the world that should be broadcast, but if nothing else, perhaps my tales will serve to enlighten some people who have never had glandular fever or suffered with fatigue, and to reassure some people in a similar position to me.
I was reminded to keep my promise to start a blog yesterday when I was once again driving home, crying in my car at the total change my life has gone through in the least few months and my feelings of losing control of the direction of my life. That idea of losing control was something that only occurred to me yesterday. I was thinking about work. I am an environmental engineer and I work in a consulting firm and manage a few of my own projects. As a graduate, this level of responsibility makes me feel valued and worthwhile, but it has its downside in the present situation. I would like to take some time off work, maybe a month, to just rest and try to recover fully, but my project work ties me to the office at the moment. So I feel I am losing control. Because I can’t continue with my “normal” life until I recover fully, but I can’t take a break to recover because of my commitments. As it is, I am working 4 days a week, which helps me cope with my up and down energy levels, but again, I find it frustrating because I would prefer to be back working fulltime, or to take a complete break and rest up.
Despite a packet of lollies and a couple of cups of tea (I’m not much of a caffeine junkie), it’s 3:30 in the afternoon and I am feeling flat as a tack. This is fairly usual for me at the moment. On a typical day I wake up tired and lethargic, wind up to feeling ok by around 11, wind down to feeling tired around 3, drag myself through the rest of the day at work, escape as early as possible (between 5 and 6 depending on workload), drive home in a low mood, perk up slightly upon seeing my housemates, drag myself to cook dinner or decide it’s too hard and get takeaway, start feeling ok while watching some TV, go to bed to get a good sleep, have trouble falling asleep, sleep fitfully, wake again feeling tired… Hopefully there will be no crying in the car on the way home tonight.
Soon I will post a bit of history on my illness and recovery since May this year.
Posted by Ellie at 3:44 PM
